CNN to drop last vestige of news content

December 11, 2016, Atlanta GA – Cable giant CNN yesterday announced that it would be taking immediate steps to change it’s programming composition. Hans Topper said “Our content mix for 2016 has been based on a tried and tested formula: 39% commercials, 10.2% self promotion and segue’s, 22.3% interviewing other media members about the media, 27.1% hand -wringing over the results of the 2016 elections, and 1.4% news”. He continued “That’s just terrible. We’re not devoting nearly enough time to things that matter.”

As a result, from January 1st 2017, CNN will be eliminating the 1.4% news content altogether, splitting the time between introspective media pieces and interviewing unhinged experts. “We might keep the crawler at the bottom of the screen somewhere, along with the self-promotion graphics for upcoming CNN shows where CNN staffers eat bugs or talk about their favorite ancestor. That’s still under discussion. We can get that news feed for free anyhow from Reuters or someone like that”

Advertisers on the channel were reluctant to comment on the new content mix. A source in the industry who wished to remain anonymous said: “I don’t think the advertisers have a lot of choice, there aren’t many channels that will carry the dubious lawyer advertising and drug commercials that’s a staple diet for CNN’s audience”.

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